The power of a kind word

My life has become very fast, but very fulfilling in many ways. Between starting a new career back in July, getting settled in the office the last few weeks, opening day coming up, keeping up with my Photography business and the house...and just life in general...I've become slightly self involved. 

I'm not even really ashamed of it. I've been single almost a year now and I don't have kids. This is my time to be selfish. Now before you judge me and think I'm just sitting at home not doing anything for my family and friends, that's not true. I do what I can, when I can. I still put them before myself. But at the forefront of my brain for a long time has been myself. My problems, my growth, my past, my future, etc. On the way to church this morning, I realized how much I do that. How much I talk about myself and what's going on in my life because I just assume everyone cares to know. I realize how wrong I am. 

I went in to church with this idea that it's not all about me. I'm part of something much bigger than I am and maybe I should start focusing on other people more. Now keep in mind, I've just recently started going to Thomas Road Baptist Church. I still don't know hardly anybody. I usually sit by myself (which I'm ok with) in the same section/seat. Today I sat one seat over and left an open spot. I thought to myself, "Just in case someone comes alone and wants to sit with me". A sweet older lady who was alone came up to me during a song and asked if she could sit next to me and I smiled and told her "Absolutely"! It felt kind of nice to sit there with someone. 

Pastor Jonathan started the sermon with saying "Each one of us is walking into this room carrying baggage. We all walked in here today with a situation and a challenge...a heart ache. You walked into this room and maybe you're sitting here the last few minutes and you see the smiles on people's faces. A lot of people that are smiling. A lot of people that are singing. A lot of people that are celebrating. And maybe in your mind you're thinking 'They don't know what I'm going through. They have no idea what I'm facing.' Because maybe what you're facing today is a challenge or heart ache greater than anything you could have ever imagined. I want you to know that everyone here is dealing with something. All of us are facing crisis. All of us are facing a challenge. All of us are facing moments of heartache that goes beyond anything that we think we can make it through. And let me just tell you, Christ is enough for you."

Though the words resounded with me after the last 20 years, 5 years, year, and even the last week I've had...I pushed all of my baggage aside. I did this because suddenly my problems weren't important. What was important was sitting on my left. This stranger suddenly became my family. I saw her desperately trying to fight back tears and I knew that whatever she was going through was more important than anything I've been going through. I'm not the type of person to step up and help someone I don't know. I've always been too scared but I always wanted to BE that person. As her tears started to fall and she tried to catch her breath, I grabbed her hand and just held it. I knew she just needed someone...anyone...to hold her hand so she would know it was going to be ok. I held her hand through prayer. Once she stopped crying, I slowly let go. 

We exchanged smiles the rest of the service and towards the end when Pastor Jonathan asks people to come to the front if they want to get to know Jesus, she turns to me and said "I'm sure if someone needed to go down there, you'd walk with them!" To this woman...I was that person I've always wanted to be. I realized I could be that person and I will be that person. When we got ready to leave she turned to me and said "You are such a blessing to me." and she hugged me tightly. 

People are put in our lives for certain reasons at certain moments. She might not have sat with me had I not left that seat available. To her, I was her blessing but to me...she was mine. Never forget the power of a kind word or a kind touch. You never know what someone else is going through and how it could help them. 

Inner Peace

"Patience is a virtue." Patience is something I haven't exactly excelled at in my past. I've always been more of an instant gratification sort of gal. Somehow, I've always known though, patience would be my biggest test in life. 

When I was in my teenage years and my young 20's, I had my life planned out. I was going to graduate college, get married, buy a house, have 3 kids, a dog, a cat, and a mini van- all before I turned 30. (Because that's what you're supposed to do, right?) So, when I reached the evening before my last birthday, I cried. I had a full blown meltdown because I was divorced with no kids, no house, no minivan, no dog, and my cats weren't even in my possession at the time. I was convinced I was a total and utter failure. I wrote myself a letter that night. I wanted to be able to look back on it one day to remind myself how ridiculous I was being the night before my 29th birthday. 

Just a month and a half later- I look back at this letter and think to myself "Geeze, take a chill pill!"  I've found my inner peace. Everything that I thought was turning my life into a disaster was actually pointing me in the right direction. I got off track a few times here and there the last 10 years, but I wouldn't be the person I am today otherwise. Yeah, I don't have the husband (or the boyfriend even), I don't have the kids, the minivan, the big glorious house with an outdoor kitchen (hey, dream big!), or the dog...but I have everything I could ever want right now. I've realized that right now, I'm not supposed to have those kids or that husband. I wasn't ready. I needed to go off the deep end, learn to swim, and be able to climb back out on my own. I needed that time to be alone and figure out who I was, what I wanted, what I didn't want, etc. I also needed to learn to stop relying on other people and other things to complete me. It's been a hard lesson, but a very much needed lesson. 

I don't need anyone to complete me. Am I ready to fall in love again? Absolutely. I finally fell in love with myself and know I am 110% capable of being able to love someone else. BUT, am I going looking for it? No way. I've learned patience truly IS a virtue. He's out there (whoever he is) and that house and those kids and that dog and the minivan can wait. I'm letting life happen as it comes now and taking each day for what it is. 

Changes From Within

My life is constantly evolving...as it should. If everything stayed exactly the same, that would mean there's been no growth. The last 7 months have been an intense growing period for me and I am incredibly thankful for that. I am in no way the same woman I was in October. When my relationship ended, I went through the usual stages of a breakup...denial, bargaining, anger, etc. Then one day, I decided I was going to not only let go of him...but of the person I had been.

I made a list of all the things I wanted to do before I ever got into another relationship again. Some of the things were minor and stupid like get my oil changed. (Ok....trust me, that was a big deal!) And other things were major, like reconciling with everyone I was on bad terms with. As each accomplishment got marked off the list, I found myself adding more items. I loved the improved Ashton and wanted to see how far I could go!

The list has one final thing and it's in the works. I've now made myself a list of things to do, just because I want to continue to grow but I'm proud of how far I've come and of the woman I've found in me. I have the people back in my life that I had missed, I've apologized for the things I've done that have hurt others, I've become a more positive person, I've forgiven myself for poor decisions I've made, I've made my life goals, and I've finally (FINALLY!!) learned to love and accept myself.

My challenge for you is no matter what season of life you're in, take some time to think about what could you improve on or what goals you want to accomplish. Make yourself a list (read it often to remind yourself of what you're going for) and just do it! Your future self will thank you! 

XO-

A

I chopped my hair off!

I finally started my own Photography business!

Set a new PR for myself

My first fish in 37 weeks...talk about a dry spell!

Guide to Growing Up

Here's the thing people don't tell you when you're trying to grow up...

             Nobody has a clue what they're doing.

We're all faking it til we make it. There's no cut and dry way to do this. That's why people make so many mistakes. But...the mistakes are part of what helps you grow up. How you handle the aftermath, how you choose to live your life afterwards, and how you hold yourself accountable. 

Be humble. It's not always the other person's fault. (And you are no better than anyone else).

Be genuine. No sense in trying if you don't mean it.

Be wise. Don't make the same mistake twice.

----

Aside from making mistakes, there's a lot more you learn as you get older.

 For instance...you can't force someone to love you. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, how great of a person you are, or what sacrifices you make. If they're not meant for you or not ready for you, it's not your fault. You have to learn when to keep fighting and when to let go. That's a lesson that'll never get easier or clearer. 

You learn life doesn't go according to plan. There's so many twists and turns you don't know to expect. You have to learn to be ok with it. Go with the flow and have faith that everything will turn out ok.

You learn to become you're own best friend. You're the only person that knows all of your deepest darkest secrets, your first and last thought of the day, your crazy dreams you can't tell anyone else about, and what stupid goal you have in life that no one else would ever understand. You become your biggest cheerleader too. No one knows the struggles you face and you can't rely on someone else to push you like YOU can push you.

You learn to stop trying to keep up with what everyone else has. Just because it's right for them, doesn't mean it's right for you. Be happy with little everyday things. The sun finally came out after the rain? Then smile. You thought you were out of milk and you still have enough for what you needed? Then be thankful. Someone paid you a genuine compliment? Then be happy and confident.

Finally, you learn just because you're down..doesn't mean you'll stay down (and vice versa). You're going to have good times and bad times. If everyday were good, you wouldn't know it. Life comes to us in seasons and in every season, there is a lesson to be learned. 

Be humble, Be genuine, Be wise-

A